Ohhh … boyyy … Disney may want to move permanently to Mars if this early review from HeyUGuys is any indication. The big-budget adaptation of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ pulp hero has all kinds of problems.

Here’s a sampling:

“What’s really frustrating is that in the handful of moments where we’re trusted to piece things together – Carter’s back story in particular – the movie comes alive. For a few seconds here and there we’re allowed to muse on what we’re seeing, and enjoy ourselves, but it never lasts; all of a sudden we hit a juggernaut of exposition and the narrative drive of the movie comes to a grinding halt.

It doesn’t help that Taylor Kitsch plays John Carter with all the charm and charisma of an over-boiled cabbage. For a few moments near the start of the film (well, after the two false starts, anyway) broody, sulky John Carter is quite enjoyable, as he escapes US military custody, and growls at Bryan Cranston, but it soon wears thin.”

Read the full story here.